It’s very easy for most of us to describe what we don’t want.
Even though that can be helpful, as it gives us a first sense of direction, there’s a much more important question underneath: What dp you actually want instead?
The importance of defining the outcome
The idea of clarity isn’t new. Every motivational speaker, coach and personal development author talks about it. You’ll often see quotes like:
"Clarity precedes success." Robin Sharma
"Clarity is power. The more clear you are about exactly what it is you want, the more your brain knows how to get there." Tony Robbins
"Begin with the end in mind." Covey
And yet, in practice, most people don’t actually stop to define what they want. In simple terms: they don’t know their desired outcome.
The result? They stay in the same situations, in the same jobs, and in the same relationships - even when something clearly doesn’t feel right - because no clearer direction is available.
When you don’t know what you want, it becomes very hard to move towards anything different.
How I found clarity
A while ago my life on the outside looked pretty good. I had a safe home, a stable job and wonderful friends. But something still felt off - and I couldn’t name what it was. Now and then, I'd move from being calm and content to a sense of unease, with a light tightness in my chest. That didn't feel nice, so I decided to chase the line of events that led me to those uncomfortable feelings.
One of the things that triggered those emotions was something very simple and habitual: scrolling on social media.
I could be feeling perfectly fine. Then, I'd open social media, scroll down and suddenly my emotional state would change. Most of the time, there was nothing obviously upsetting - just life updates from people I knew..
But when I slowed down and really paid attention, I realised that, even though I was scrolling at normal speed and nothing stood out consciously, my brain would pick up on something in a split second and what looked innocent on the surface was actually triggering something deeper in me.
Realising that was interesting, but it was also only the first step - I wanted to learn more about what was going on within me, so I decided to tap. Tapping, for me, creates a safe space where I can allow myself to speak out loud anything on my mind, without judgement, but with openness and willingness to welcome the insights, so I can process and release.
In that space, I gently realised what was happening: it wasn’t envy. It was confusion.
Because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted, other people’s lives started to feel like silent comparisons.
I’d see someone with a newborn baby and feel like I was missing out.
I’d see someone on a motorbike trip and think my life looked boring.
I’d see someone backpacking for months and feel uninteresting.
I'd see someone being promoted and feel behind in my own career.
When you’re unclear about your own direction, other people’s choices start to destabilise you.
They become emotional triggers - instead of simply being other people’s lives.
The exercise that changed everything for me
- Is this truly aligned with who I am now?
- Would this support the life I want to live next?
I realised: I don’t want children. I don’t like motorbikes (or adrenaline, really). I don’t want to backpack. I don’t want a director position anymore.
Instead of feeling like I was losing something… I felt free.
What clarity gave me
Simple and practical exercises to bring you more clarity
- Listing
Exactly like I did.
Write everything that comes to mind - without judging it first. Then revise what you wrote down to identify what is meaningful to you.
Don't forget to bring forward all versions of yourself that may still be unresolved - with kindness.
- Journaling
Similar to the above, use your journal regularly to write down thoughts, fears, and goals. This way, it will become easier to identify patterns and gain a wider perspective.
Let your hand write before your rational mind steps in. There is a lot more available to you than you even imagine.
- Meditation and quiet time
Most of us move from task to task all day. Our minds are powerful and are always trying to communicate, but it needs space.
When you slow down and listen, it becomes much easier to notice what actually lights you up.
- Identify values & ‘why’
Ask yourself: What really matters to me right now?
Defining your core values and goals may be helpful to determine what matters to you and can assist shaping what a meaningful outcome looks like.
- Outside perspective
As Les Brown famously said: “You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame.”
Sometimes a trusted friend, mentor or coach can help you see what you’re missing.
Clarity inside a therapy session
A gentle reminder about clarity, goals and direction
Let me help you define what you want
If you feel you have a vague sense of what you want - but struggle to put it into words, direction or concrete outcomes - I’d love to support you.
Working with clarity is one of my favourite parts of this work.
It’s incredibly powerful to watch someone reconnect with what truly matters to them - especially when their life is changing, moving and evolving. And it’s exactly the kind of space I create in my EFT sessions.